A nice piece of work.
I thought you did a very good job. I liked your style and I think you managed to make a very nice, simple story that works out really well.
My one criticism is your use of Japanese, not to be overly critical, but it is very apparent that the person who translated this is likely to be just learning the language (or maybe just used babelfish). Now, whether that be you (in which case I say that it's not a bad effort but you need a bit of practice with the language) or a friend (in which case pass the same message along to them) doesn't matter... the fact that the translations and dialogue are not only incorrect, but on occasion swapped with other sections of dialogue (eg. okitte=wake up / watashi o mite=look at me not the other way around as in the flash) causes me to leave you with this one negative criticism of an otherwise fantastic and brilliant submission.
Keep up the good work, but either get a better translator or stick with English.
Hope I'm not being to harsh,
The Happy Panda